Harley Rotbart, M.D.

Jul

05

No Regrets Parenting Tribute to a Mom Who’s Counting her 940 Saturdays

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No Regrets Parenting is about creating a lasting legacy from your kids’ childhoods and, even more importantly, from your parenthood. No Regrets Parenting is, in that sense, selfish – the goal is to make parenting so fulfilling, so satisfying, that when your kids have grown up and left home, you’ll look back with fond nostalgia, but No Regrets about time you wish you would have spent with them when you could have.

I want to tell you about one family that’s off to a great start – Rebecca Rider, the creator of, and your host at, “newmommabeckers” (http://newmommabeckers.blogspot.com/). Rebecca could be the “poster child” for starting No Regrets Parenting while kids are still in the crib.

As with many, many moms and dads across the country, the “Other Biological Clock” concept I introduced in my book, No Regrets Parenting, struck a chord with Rebecca. In a nutshell, the “Other Biological Clock” reminds parents there are only 940 Saturdays between your baby’s birth and leaving for college. That number, 940 Saturdays, has already become a mantra for parents everywhere who are looking for ways to turn the long days and short years of parenthood into cherished moments with their kids. The No Regrets Parenting 940 Saturdays approach to appreciating our precious time with our kids has been featured in the NYT, Parents Magazine, ABC News, Reader’s Digest, countless TV and radio programs, as well as hundreds of “new media” venues – blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc.

Rebecca has created a beautiful blog (http://newmommabeckers.blogspot.com/) tracking and relishing the 940 Saturdays in her son Troy’s life – this past Saturday was #25! How wonderful for a parent to start her consciousness about the fleeting nature of her son’s childhood while he is still young and mom can take full advantage of No Regrets Parenting.

To Rebecca, her husband Chris, and, of course, to Troy – may you have many, many joyful Saturdays to come with your beautiful family. To all the rest of you, visit Rebecca’s blog, it’s a joy to read.

And, you can find more information about No Regrets Parenting at www.noregretsparenting.com.  It’s almost Saturday – what are you doing with your kids this weekend?

Jun

28

Family Summer University for No Regrets Parenting

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It’s summertime and the kids have started settling into their summer slowdown, summer slide, or summer brain freeze, depending on how you choose to phrase it – but whatever you call it, you’re a little worried about it.  Well, here’s the cure to the summer slows – Family Summer University. This post first appeared May 31, 2012 as my guest blog on Melissa Taylor’s wonderful site, Imagination Soup: http://imaginationsoup.net/2012/05/family-summer-university/ and next week, you can hear me discuss Family Summer University on Maria Bailey’s terrific syndicated radio show, Mom Talk Radio.

 

Bob Stewart, the legendary “father” of TV game show classics such as “The Price is Right,” “To Tell the Truth,” “Password,” “The $10,000 Pyramid,” and countless others died on May 4, 2012. In his memory, I fondly recall Rotbart University, now renamed Family Summer University (FSU) and ready for your enrollment. It has been nearly two decades since we founded this institution of higher learning for our kids in our backyard.

First, it’s important to share some important facts about comparative mammalian brain physiology. Children’s brains are the opposite of bears’ brains. Trust me, I’m a pediatrician and I personally know two veterinarians. Bears’ brains hibernate in the winter, awakening in the spring hungry for food, exploration, and stimulation. In contrast, children’s brains go to sleep as soon as the last day of school ends, and hibernate until sometime during the 2nd or 3rd week of school in the fall. Don’t get me wrong, this is not necessarily all bad. Kids’ brains need rest and rejuvenation, structured and unstructured play, physically active days and tranquil, homework-free evenings – all of which are rare commodities during the school year. But…

The summer brain freeze (also known as the “summer slide” or the “summer slows”) oftentimes goes too far. When resting and rejuvenating brains slip into vegetative states defined by TV, video games, Facebook, text messaging marathons, and MP3 hypnosis, it’s time for an intervention. Welcome to FSU. No tuition or dormitories at this university, and no homework. Just tests, every night. But these are not ordinary tests – FSU tests are fiercely friendly and funny family competitions. Contests filled with belly laughs and prizes, at age-appropriate and attention-span-adjusted learning levels.

Thanks to Mr. Stewart and his heirs, TV game and quiz shows have permeated our society so thoroughly that it seems like we ought to get something redeeming back in exchange for all the flashing lights, clanging bells, and celebrity blather our kids are exposed to. Rather than everyone zoning out while watching TV’s spinning wheels and deals (or no deals), yawning as bachelors and bachelorettes grill each other about personal minutiae, wondering what “The Substitute” will ask next on MTV, and trying to determine once and for all whether you’re smarter than a 5thgrader, FSU lets you design and play your own “game show,” tailored to perfectly fit your kids’ knowledge and interest levels. Best of all, FSU is memorable family time that turns scarce minutes into special moments with your kids.

Every night after dinner, gather the kids to the FSU campus – the porch, patio, or a comparably comfortable venue, preferably outdoors (it’s summer, for goodness sake!). You, as Dean of FSU, are also the game show host and test question writer. Writing questions will take a little time each day, but just a little. It’s easy to find quiz questions for kids—use their school books or go online to find sample questions from all the standardized tests your kids have to take. But don’t limit yourself to school subjects—make it more fun by mixing in questions about movie and music stars, cartoon characters, your kids’ favorite storybooks, sports teams, TV shows, and anything else that captures their fancy. Questions from People magazine or ESPN.com help camouflage the math times tables and history questions. Sure, ask about last week’s episode of Bachelorette – right after you ask about Catcher in the Rye and Hamlet. You can get lots of ideas, and plenty of already-written questions at age-appropriate levels, on the games shelf at the toy store or from the kids’ science, literature, and math sections in the library. Look for trivia and brain teaser games, flash card sets, and home versions of those TV quiz shows we’re avoiding out here on the porch. The point is not to sterilize your kids’ summer fun or immunize them against popular media and culture—the point is to take them away from the TV and put them right in front of you, laughing and learning.

Dedicate different nights of the week to different subject areas, or mix and match questions every night from many subject areas. Have your kids design a scoreboard with their names on it. For their answers, give each child a little white eraser board or notepad, or just have them answer out loud, whatever is more fun.  Don’t overdo it – set a nightly maximum of 20 questions per child; 10 if you have more than 3 kids, lest the contest last all night! Half of the questions should be pure fun, the other half educational. Add bonus questions, musical prompts, and picture clues to make the game more interesting. After you get their answers, discuss them with your kids. Teach your kids about the questions they missed, and have your kids explain the answers they got right.

As an example, here are a few questions for a 10 year-old’s FSU quiz:

  1. Who was the 3rd President of the United States?
  2. Whom did Hermione Granger marry?
  3. Express the following two decimals as fractions: 0.800, and 0.875
  4. Name a total of 4 judges on any of the TV talent shows (like American Idol, The Voice, Dancing with the Stars, etc.)? (Hint, Ryan Seacrest is not a judge and we’re really not sure what he does)
  5. Where did the Mayflower land?
  6. Name the books in the Hunger Games trilogy
  7. Who won the Cy Young award in the American League last year?
  8. What are 3 of the chemicals that make up the air we breathe?

Remember, kids at different ages get different questions within their own knowledge base, but the difficulty level should be the same – if you’re asking your 6-year old a tough question for 6-year olds, you should also be asking your 12-year old a tough one for 12-year olds.

Tally the correct number of answers for each contestant each night, and keep track. At the end of each week give a prize to the child with the highest weekly score, and then start scoring from scratch the next week so no one falls so far behind they have no chance of catching up.  Our “prize” was getting to choose the movie on family movie night or the theme for a special dinner night.  At the end of the summer, we had a “graduation” ceremony with cardboard “caps” and bed sheet “gowns” and “diplomas.” The graduation presents were $5 gift cards to the mall.  And we all went shopping for the gifts together.

Here’s the FSU promise from proud Rotbart University alumni: high quality family time, less brain freeze, and your kids’ brains won’t need waking up when school starts next fall.

 

Jun

24

3D Parenting and No Regrets Parenting – Building Trust

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There are days where it seems that all you do is get frustrated with your kids and fail to find your parental equilibrium. Of course you know what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to be a role model of reason and patience. Wise and understanding, yet firm and principled. And then they’ll throw a temper tantrum when you’re late for work, fight with their siblings for the “best” seat at the dinner table, beg for candy in the supermarket line, and refuse—absolutely refuse—to change their clothes, brush their hair, or eat their dinner.

Those are the times when parents often resort to 3D parenting: distraction, distortion, and deception. Yes, sometimes these may be necessary evils, the price of doing the business of parenthood. You really need your kids to do something NOW!, go somewhere FAST!, or just LEAVE YOU ALONE! for a few minutes. So you exaggerate the urgency, hyperbolize their intransigence, say mean things you don’t mean, make deals and promises you know you’ll never keep, or put them in front of the TV rather than hear one more whiny protest. I know, I’ve been there many times. This is not a holier-than-thou sermon, I promise.

Here’s the problem with those 3Ds: your kids lose their trust in you. Not all at once, and not if you slip into the Ds only once in a while, dealing with your kids honestly and without sleight of hand most of the time. But gradually, the more you resort to distraction, distortion, and deception, the less strong the bond of trust between you and your kids. They are more likely to distract, distort, and deceive in their relationship with you as they grow older.

There’s a solution to this problem. Replace those dark Ds with a set of three good and healthy Ds: defer, decompress, and deliver. At the height of tension and frustration, when you’ve simply got to be somewhere or get something accomplished, and when you feel your inner barometer rising, don’t deal with the deeper issues. Defer them to later that day, decompress the immediate crisis, and then deliver on your promise to resolve the issue under calmer circumstances. Your kids will get the message that you respect them, take their feelings seriously, and can be taken at your word. No trickery just to get through the crisis—rather an honest commitment to fix the problem together. Later.

By the time later comes around, make sure you don’t forget your pledge. But by then, because kids really do live in the moment, they may have completely forgotten the earlier crisis du jour. Call your child into a quiet spot, sit next to each other, and offer to discuss whatever was upsetting her and whatever was upsetting you. How much better is this quality time together, calmly discussing the issue, than the time you would have wasted earlier in the day had you continued the fight? When you realize how short the time we have with our kids really is, how many of those precious minutes, days, and weekends do you want lost to battles of wills and wars of words?

If she is still bothered when you meet later that day, work to fix it with her. If she has moved on, tell her you love her, tell her how you expect her to handle the next upset (remember, you are the parent and it’s your job to teach correct behavior). And then move on with her.

 

 

 

Jun

16

For No Regrets Parenting Father’s Day: Remembering a Dad, and the Little Things

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Hope you’ll read this tribute to a friend, in the NYT this weekend for Father’s Day:

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/15/remembering-a-dad-and-the-little-things/

Jun

13

The Marriage Launch List – The Next Stage of No Regrets Parenting

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June is wedding month, and my family just proved the point – our son was married this past weekend. MARRIED!!! The emotional tsunami that engulfed all of us as we watched this age-old ritual unfold for the first of our kids is beyond description. Memories of our own wedding, of grandparents and great-grandparents who are no longer with us, and of our son as a baby, toddler, little-leaguer, and  high school’er overwhelmed us. I was already anticipating the magnitude of this occasion when I wrote “My Son the Groom” for the NYT this past February: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/02/20/my-son-the-groom/ describing what it was like to first see our child’s name on a wedding invitation. And that was just seeing his name! Well, that was nothing compared with first seeing our child stand under the wedding canopy and pledge his life and love to our beautiful new daughter-in-law.

It will take a little time for me to gather my thoughts about having a married son – a developmental milestone that is unlike any other for a parent. In the meantime, I’ll share with you some of what we told the bride and groom during the many toasts and roasts of the weekend. The advice below is patterned after “The College Launch List” which appears at the back of the No Regrets Parenting book (www.noregretsparenting.com).

The Marriage Launch list

To our Bride and Groom – Before we sent our kids off to college, we took each of them to a coffee shop to review a long list of all the things we needed to tell them before they left home. We called it the College Launch List. This is our first Marriage Launch List, things we need to tell you both as you embark on your lives together.

The list comes from 25 years of figuring each other out, and we’re still not finished figuring each other out. Maybe couples never completely finish figuring each other out. But we hope this gives you a head start. It’s just the tip of the iceberg of things you need to know, but we have to start somewhere; we trust you’ll figure most of the other stuff out together without our prompting. Like the College Launch List, it’s in alphabetical order, of course:

Call home – Call your parents often. Even though you’re married, you’re still children, too. We’re still on the bleachers and we still like to watch you play.

Call your siblings often – You all need each other’s love and support for the rest of your lives.

Culture – You’ll never have more choices or chances to grow than you do now as newlyweds without the responsibilities of kids.  Stretch outside your comfort zone, even if it means you have to go into a museum. Acquire new tastes in dance, opera and theater, too. Get discount tickets. You’re on a budget.

Dates – Have date nights, never take each other’s company for granted. Kiss at the door when you get home, and say “Can I call you sometime?”

Exercise – No matter how busy you are. It keeps you healthy and happy. When you don’t exercise, you feel blah, have mood swings, have a short fuse, and don’t sleep well. Some days, when things get a little edgy at  home, we often ask each other, “have you been to the gym yet today?” That’s our subtle way of reminding each other that everything is calmer after you’ve worked out.

Fights – You’ll have a few. Mostly minor ones, an occasional major one. Every couple has fights. Always be the first to apologize even if you don’t think you’re wrong. If he or she apologizes first, quickly apologize second, and then apologize for not apologizing first.

Food – Setting up your own kitchen can be fattening. Eating out can be fattening. Studying long hours can be fattening. Working long hours can be fattening. Eat smart.

Friends – Get together with other couples. Double-date. You’ll go places and see things you might not do if it were just the two of you. Spending time with other couples also makes you appreciate each other even more.

Interests #1 – You each have your own interests, and they don’t always overlap. That keeps you interesting to each other. Keep occupied, stay curious, never be bored so you’ll never be boring to each other.

Interests #2 – It’s ok to pretend to share the other person’s interests. Gradually, after you’ve pretended long enough, you may actually begin to appreciate your partner’s interests more than you thought you would.

Laugh – As you take on adult responsibilities, life can get really serious sometimes. See funny movies, watch funny TV shows, tease each other. Tell jokes. Hearing your spouse laugh will make you happy, too. We used to be much funnier before we had kids.

Lists – There are some things that have to get done to make a household run smoothly. Keep a list and work on checking the items off together. Sometimes it’s fun to write things down that you’ve already finished just for the satisfaction of being able to cross them off. Maybe that’s just us.

Mind-reading –It’s hard to read each other’s minds, although gradually you’ll get better at it. Have a special code for telling each other what’s really important to you. Like, for example, say “this is really important to me.” The worst fights come from not understanding what’s really important to your spouse. It makes him or her think you don’t care, but really you just didn’t know.

Money – Save it, you’ll need it. Paying credit card interest is a bad investment strategy. If you can’t afford to pay with what’s in your checking account now, you can’t afford it. Also, price and brand label don’t necessarily reflect quality.

Religion – The difference between religion and superstition is that religion is meant to make you better people – also kinder, humbler, and more understanding.  Say a prayer before bed; be grateful after a good day, and hopeful after a bad day. And almost all days are good days when you think about it. So be very grateful.

Respect – It’s not enough to love each other, you have to respect each other. That means never being mean to each other and never purposely hurting each other’s feelings.

Sleep – 8 hours a night will help you do better in school and work, and it will help you feel better. Set two alarms on important mornings. And every morning is important.

Teamwork – Each player on a team knows his or her part and when you’ve been on a team long enough your part becomes obvious. You don’t have to equally share each responsibility or chore, but you need to have equally important responsibilities and chores.

Finally, know that your parents are always here for you, and we’ve been through it already.  Let us help you whenever you need a little advice.

We love you both very much.

 

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